i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
