I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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