My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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