I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
