I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
