i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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