This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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