I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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