i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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