Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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