i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
