he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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