You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
