My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
There's always time for handjobs
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
