I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
