i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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