I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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