new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
