i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
