I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
