Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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