I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Randomize
