having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
