i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
