Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
