She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
