I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
