we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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