In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
