the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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