I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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