Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
