Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
