I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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