i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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