watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
