mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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