I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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