I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
