I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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