omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
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