he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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