it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
