i wish semen tasted like chocolate
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
