I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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