I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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