I wish I only lived at night.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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