i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
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