yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
