peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
The air taste purple.
Randomize
