i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
